Thursday, February 26, 2009

An ah-ha moment...

I had an ah-ha moment this morning. I have been struggling with not feeling good these past few weeks, fighting the cold I caught, stress from school and stress from my mom’s surgery. Needless to say I have been struggling against that cloud that can hang around a person. As I have gotten older I have found that it comes more and more in the winter. Well with everything that happened in the last year I proactively decided to request my happy pills be upped. I can so tell the difference. But let me get back to my moment. I was sitting at the light to turn on to the freeway. The sky was in front of me. It was enormous and it was starting to turn from gray to blue. Lately, I have been really thinking on how I want project a more positive person. This negativity and depressing moods have been depressing me even more. I miss those moments where I take pleasure in life and crack myself up. Ok, back again to my moment. As I was watching the sky I realized it’s a conscious decision to be in a good mood. Here I was sitting in my cloud and it should just be as easy to push it away and look at life with a smile. Is it hard? Hell yes! Those clouds can suffocate you some days. Why did I have this moment looking at the sky? Well it has been so gray outside lately and I felt so good on our one sunny day last week. It just struck me that you can make your own sun in your life. I was just zoning out and was stuck by the beauty of the sky and it made me want to throw out that cloud that was filling my mind and be happy.. Since that moment I have been giggling all morning and it fills so good. I love that part about me.

this is a test for homework.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


It's time for you to say goodbye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another week.

Hello Again......
Well it's Sunday night. The weekend has gone too fast. I don't have enough time. I struggled with a cold all week. I feel like I the 4 days i ended up working were too long. I have 5 to face again. I don't want to go. I want to snuggle up in bed and sleep. so what am i doing up at 11:30? Helping out mom.
I was all ready to go to bed at 10:30 when i thought I should check on her one more time. Big mistake. lol.. she played the guilt card again by standing in the kitchen with the washer open. Now she is not suppose to do it and she wants the kitchen clean for my sister for when she comes in the morning. Yea.. like i get that same respect. I better quit now before i say something that doesn't need to be said. It's just my bursts of energy. As soon as it gets out - the thought flutters away too but other people take some things so literal.
I am avoiding homework. I hate that feeling.. But all i can think of is the term is almost over but i still have all this stuff to do. So tired..
Well the "community talk" is over on the radio so I am going to crash.
Sorry for such an uninteresting post.
I promise more detail soon.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Following the blue car!

I was driving to work today and I got behind a blue car. You know how that happens. You are curious and you look to see who is driving. When I looked this morning, I caught my breath. It was Jim. Now I know that it’s not feasible, he has passed away but it brought back so many memories of following him. I wasn’t feeling well either this morning and the nostalgia just poured over me. It looked just like him. Tears welled up in my eyes. I kept thinking… maybe it was all a joke and he was really living somewhere in the city but I know that’s not true as I said good bye to him at the Funeral Home. For those of you that don’t know. Jim was my soul mate and he died last June. It was devastating. We had plans to get married. I stayed at his house almost every weekend and we talked every morning on our way to work. I was so comfortable with him. He was home. I knew instantly, after getting over the fact he reminded me of my old boss – who was a lady. We had plenty of laughs over that on our first weekend. At one time when I would write about him, tears would stream down my face. I am doing better as now I just miss him. He has been gone longer than I knew him but he has forever changed me.

Do you believe in soul mates? Jim and I actually had a conversation about it before he died. He believed that he only had one and I believe that you can have many but that doesn’t mean you are destined to be with all of them. The irony of our conversation, I repeat over and over in my head. Maybe I knew that I would have to find someone else. Maybe he knew he wasn’t long on this earth. He helped me grow up. I was my base that I could come home to and then go out in the world and do what I needed to do. He calmed me. Love like that is fleeting.

I have met someone new. When we first met I kept saying that it’s wonderful but it’s just different. I didn’t know how to explain and it took a while to readjust my outlook. I think my new guy understands. He is so wonderful about my grieving over Jim. It doesn’t come as often but I still hits me every once in a while. My new man has children. When I met Jim I had accepted that children would probably not be part of my future. If they appeared they would have been accepted with open arms but Jim and I had a plan that was just the two of us. Now there might be a chance that kids will be part of my life. It was such a drastic change of thinking of how my life was going to turn out. Like I said before, my new relationship is wonderful and I am very happy it’s just a different kind of love. Not better, not worse, just different.

Back to work.. Adios!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

An oopseeeeeeeeeee

oh.. i lost the whole post. I need to figure this thing out. I am too tired. I will update tomorrow. I leave you this photo of my favorite food (minus the tomatoes of course.) from one of my favorite places here in Portland.