Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Following the blue car!

I was driving to work today and I got behind a blue car. You know how that happens. You are curious and you look to see who is driving. When I looked this morning, I caught my breath. It was Jim. Now I know that it’s not feasible, he has passed away but it brought back so many memories of following him. I wasn’t feeling well either this morning and the nostalgia just poured over me. It looked just like him. Tears welled up in my eyes. I kept thinking… maybe it was all a joke and he was really living somewhere in the city but I know that’s not true as I said good bye to him at the Funeral Home. For those of you that don’t know. Jim was my soul mate and he died last June. It was devastating. We had plans to get married. I stayed at his house almost every weekend and we talked every morning on our way to work. I was so comfortable with him. He was home. I knew instantly, after getting over the fact he reminded me of my old boss – who was a lady. We had plenty of laughs over that on our first weekend. At one time when I would write about him, tears would stream down my face. I am doing better as now I just miss him. He has been gone longer than I knew him but he has forever changed me.

Do you believe in soul mates? Jim and I actually had a conversation about it before he died. He believed that he only had one and I believe that you can have many but that doesn’t mean you are destined to be with all of them. The irony of our conversation, I repeat over and over in my head. Maybe I knew that I would have to find someone else. Maybe he knew he wasn’t long on this earth. He helped me grow up. I was my base that I could come home to and then go out in the world and do what I needed to do. He calmed me. Love like that is fleeting.

I have met someone new. When we first met I kept saying that it’s wonderful but it’s just different. I didn’t know how to explain and it took a while to readjust my outlook. I think my new guy understands. He is so wonderful about my grieving over Jim. It doesn’t come as often but I still hits me every once in a while. My new man has children. When I met Jim I had accepted that children would probably not be part of my future. If they appeared they would have been accepted with open arms but Jim and I had a plan that was just the two of us. Now there might be a chance that kids will be part of my life. It was such a drastic change of thinking of how my life was going to turn out. Like I said before, my new relationship is wonderful and I am very happy it’s just a different kind of love. Not better, not worse, just different.

Back to work.. Adios!

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