Sunday, December 13, 2009

A rollercoster of emotions......


Having one of those weekends.
 My temp job ended on Friday night. It ended over a month early.  I knew in my mind the end was coming for the temp job but when it actually happened I am surprised on my response. I didn't even react this emotionally in June when I got laid off from my real job. Part of it was probably a delayed response to that one. I still have friends who are still temping in the job  and all I could was think of  what I did wrong... but in my heart I know it was done for business reasons and low call volume.  Sat I just felt empty. I remember laying on my bed and just staring at my dresser just not thinking of anything. Life seemed so empty. I just laid there and then vegged all evening. As I said before I felt lost and this just hit me hard. I couldn't sleep very well last night either. I kept waking up. Today I though I was better but today it came out as sadness.

I talked to my mom about my situation and she gave me some advice. This advice made me think.. what do I want? I still don't know.. I don't even know if I want to go after what we talked about because that might be settling and I want to choose what I do for a job this time (or choose the best I can). It was good advice but I can't decide if it's good for me.

I came into my room and I just started to cry. I called my boyfriend and he just listened. We eventually were able to just talk and I was laughing..a good thing.. and then I found myself crying again. During it.. I came to realize it was just a reaction in releasing emotions. I needed to let the emptiness pour out. When I got done talking with him I felt lighter. For all the doubts when we are apart .. the frustrations that happen on my end to the status of it. ... his concern and scared to hurt the kids on his end.... he can heal me. He supports and cares. I love that about him. I should tell him that more often. Just hearing his voice can soothe that. I never knew that about boyfriends until the last two. They have been awesome men who have given me so much. Real relationships. Real partnerships. I am been very privileged to have both men care about me so much.

No comments: